Hope comes from facing my fears.
Today, I was afraid of getting out of the house. I woke up at 3:00 pm and felt very down. The thought of getting into the car to run errands was too daunting for me to accomplish. I was out last on Monday to an appointment, to see my therapist. The funny thing is, we talked about how well I was getting to feel and I told him about this blog.
I have noticed a pattern of experiencing a low after having a success.
I am afraid of success. With it comes responsibility to stay well. It's so easy for me to crawl in my cocoon of depression and stay there. The good thing is, I stay in it for far less time than I did in the past.
I am afraid of commitment. When I commit, it means I need to be dependable. There again, is the responsibility to stay well. The stumbling blocks I've had in the past come up to haunt me again.
I am afraid I won't be able to live on my own again. Since I've retired, I haven't replaced the income I was getting before.
I am afraid I won't be able to eat right. I've been going back and forth with food plans, not being able to stick to one thing.
I guess what this all boils down to is, I'm in a place in my life where I'm way outside of my comfort zone. I am feeling a tremendous amount of fear. I left my job which gave me financial security, but that I hated with all my heart. I've been exploring ways to make money without having to get an outside job. Nothing has proved to be successful for steady earning yet. I need flexibility to work whenever the hours are good for me, and to travel out to my daughter's as often as I can. I've committed to church going, but I don't go regularly. Last night, I stayed home because I was afraid to go out. My daughter needs my help right now, and I have promised to give it. It's a struggle for me to be there when I say I'm going to, and not back out at the last minute. I miss living on my own, where I can eat as badly as I want and sleep for days.
I am praying daily for the courage to change. I feel as though I'm going through some kind of metamorphosis. There is so much comfort in scripture, and I'm doing my best to start and end my day reading the Bible.
It's OK to be afraid of success. I haven't had too much experience with it. My patterns from the past will start to be replaced with new and healthy habits.
I'm working on being more dependable and reliable. Just admitting that it's a problem for me is a big improvement.
There will be a time when I'll be on my own again. Right now, I need my family around me for support and help. It's not good for me to binge all the time and sleep my life away. I don't like feeling dependent on others, but the experience is good for me.
Problems with eating have been with me most of my life. I don't think there will be an overnight answer. I have tended to treat this with a black-and-white attitude. It's either eat this way or binge. Well, that doesn't seem to serve any useful purpose anymore. I'm trying to get more comfortable in the grey areas.
While on this journey, I try to stay patient and kind with myself. It really helps to write about my struggles, and I've been spending a fair amount of time working on this blog. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be concentrating on. Although I am uncomfortable living with more uncertainty than I'm used to, I can face my fears. Baby steps in growth and being a friend to myself along the way will help me come out on the other side with hope.
For more information on depressive illnesses:
University Hospitals
Mood Disorders Program
10524 Euclid Ave
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 844-2400
Oh Janice my friend, my heart goes out to you. Not only because I don't like seeing you suffer but also because I know what you're going through. My older daughter has bipolar disorder (and schizophrenia) and so much of what you say is what we live. I especially respond to the depression, the low after success, the problems with success, dependability, and commitment. Hannah is only 12 (and was diagnosed at 4) but one of the things we've learned is that after she succeeds at something we have to downplay it otherwise she goes out of her way to set herself up for failure. I'm going to have her read your first section to see if she feels the connection. Would you mind a 12 year old being part of this group? If you do, I understand. If it's okay, please know that she doesn't have an internet account so I would monitor things and only show her the pertinent posts (I wouldn't want anyone to feel they couldn't write what they needed to...it's my job as her mother to only expose her to appropriate content, not everyone else's job)
ReplyDeleteOne of my questions for you is did you manage to hide all this from the outside for a while? So many people don't believe us when we tell them how hard things can be with Hannah because she seems to maintain a good facade for short periods of time.
Hi Rhia, I sent you a long reply by email. So, so grateful to have you and Hannah in my life. Yes, yes, yes Hannah is more than welcome to be part of our group. Age doesn't matter, the feelings are the same. I can relate to people not believing, it's hard to show that vulnerability to the world in general. I did become a very good liar and actress. I don't mean that in a negative way, the coping skills were necessary for me to survive.
DeleteLooking forward to many more conversations...Love, Janice