WHAT'S AT THE CORE

Everyone has a basic feeling down at the core of their being (whether they are aware of it or not).  Mine is worthlessness.

So how has that translated into recovery?

Every time I sabotage my progress, it's because of worthlessness. Every time I feel like giving up on myself, it's because of worthlessness. Every time I set myself up for failure, it's because of worthlessness. I don't fully believe I deserve joy and success yet.

You may wonder how this was discovered: in therapy through hard work. I always knew on some level what was going on, but core feelings are buried deep under layers of other feelings. Rightly so, because that kind of vulnerability isn't meant to be shown anywhere but in safe surroundings. We all protect what we show to the world out there. How much we show depends on the people we are with and how comfortable we are with them.



It seems like I've had "I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good" playing in my head for most of my life. The reasons why are less important than learning how to change that tape. I'm sad that I feel this way about myself, and I have the grief of a child towards it. If you have raised children, you know how upset they get, and how easily and immediately they show their feelings. That kind of free expression is a beautiful thing. It's much more difficult to get in touch with the deep sadness as an adult. We've been conditioned to hold back so as not to make other people uncomfortable.

That being said, there is a need to hold back emotions. Just imagine if we all starting throwing ourselves on the ground, screaming and crying because we didn't get what we wanted at that moment. But there is a difference between that and emotions that get buried when a child can't express them at the time. All kinds of problems arise here which will have to be dealt with later.

As parents, I feel the best thing we can do is let our children express all those ugly emotions; the crying, yelling, foot stomping: all of it. Of course, we don't want them displaying this behavior everywhere we go. I'm not saying let our kids run amok. What I mean is, we can strive to give them freedom of expression without judgement. When the storm breaks, then is the time we talk it out and explain life's lessons.  Teaching discipline by providing limits is vital to child development. I'm definitely not advocating permitting any child to harm themselves or anyone else, or allowing them to display dangerous behavior of any kind. This must be stopped immediately.

What I'm talking about here is giving our children the freedom to express themselves without getting punished for having the emotions that make us so uncomfortable. And yes, I know that it's extremely hard. The pressure we put on ourselves to raise our children right is tremendous. I wasn't able to give my kids that freedom of expression very often. Now, as a grandmother, I am able to see things much more clearly (of course) and objectively. Still, when I'm with all three of my grandchildren for any length of time, I end up exhausted at the end of the day, just like my daughter.  Raising kids, while blessedly rewarding, is just plain tough work.

Today, I'm working on healing that child inside who ended up getting short circuited emotionally. The more I learn to love myself, the easier it is to provide the comfort I crave internally in healthy ways. I'm learning to stop setting ridiculously high standards for myself that are impossible to achieve. Mother Teresa would have a hard time reaching these goals! :) There are definitely times when I feel the great joy and freedom that comes from living in the present moment. It all comes down to loving myself enough to think I'm worth the effort it takes to get well.  I'm getting there.

 "As a mother comforts her child,

so will I comfort you:..."

Isaiah 66:13 NIV

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400