TOUGHING IT OUT

Last post I wrote about bumps in the road. It's really hard for me to go through them without beating myself up for not doing a better job.

What exactly does this mean? Well, when I have difficulties with my recovery, my first inclination is to say to myself, "You should feel better than this. You've been in recovery a long time. You shouldn't be struggling, man up!" This is not helpful on so many levels.

When I indulge in negative thoughts about myself, I'm buying into the distorted thinking from my past. Passing judgement is not beneficial. Here's where I have to force myself to do something different.

If we look at the situation with detached love, the answers I would give to the above statements might be: "Who says you should feel better? There will always be times in recovery when your feelings will fluctuate. Length of time in recovery does not mean a guarantee that life will be continuously happy. Feeling uncomfortable is not falling into relapse. Man up!!? Really!?! LOL. That one hasn't come out in a long time! You KNOW recovery isn't meant to handle all by yourself. That's what God, medication, therapy and outreach are for. Take a deep breath and get centered. Slow down and take a different look at things. Look at how you can use what you have learned to get back on track."

Do you see the distinction between the two scenarios? In the first, I am hitting myself over the head repeatedly for being human. Well, as we all know, I can't change my species. Somewhere I learned that if I do not do things perfectly, then I am a failure. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I've had the negative train running through my brain for most of my life, it will take work to replace them with positive thoughts. Wow, give myself a break already!

The thoughts in the first paragraph are definitely DISTORTED. Very simply, I have to realize that distortion is NOT truth. The truth is, I struggle with the very same things that most everyone else does. Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, fear and shame. Feelings are just that, they do not make us who we are. Expecting that a long time recovery assures a perfect life is unrealistic. A "perfect" life is not the goal, accepting my imperfections and loving myself as I am is.

What if a very close and dear friend came to you and said what I did in the opening? Would you scold them, tell them they aren't trying hard enough or to just get over it? NO! I bet you would put your arms around them, let them cry and tell them better days are coming. You would help them see themselves as you do, a very cherished person. So why don't we do that for ourselves? Good question, and something to reflect on.

The first thing I need to reflect on is my connection to God. I get real hope and comfort from reading passages in the Bible. Then it's time to be still and listen. The answers will come into my heart if I let them. I've already taken a walk today to clear my head and that helped. Writing this post has me feeling much more at peace than I have in the past few days.*

He carries me when I cannot walk

*What I share in these posts is not meant to be any kind of advice on what you should do in your own recovery.  I write about things that work for me, and share feelings, in the hopes that I will be able to get better and touch someone's heart who is struggling.

With much love,

Janice

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400