NUMBERS

I HATE THE SCALE.

The numbers I see when I weigh myself have the power to buoy me up or bring me down. 

I love food. And I hate food. I like to eat. No, I LOVE to eat. There isn't a time I can remember when food wasn't about the most important thing in my life. Or a time that I haven't judged myself by what I see on the scale.

Why do we get so attached to what our weight is? That's a good question. I still secretly hope that I will get back to my high school weight. Of course, never mind that I starved myself, smoked and drank. I was THIN. Even then I was never satisfied with the numbers. I thought I was fat, and I weighed 115 pounds.

It seems like I have always had a distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, every flaw is magnified. I see my belly and thighs, and judge them to be of gargantuan size. Everything on me is "too big", my nose, my feet, my hands, and my frame. I so want to be pretty and petite, dainty and girlie.

Christie Brinkley

This gorgeous model is my idea of beautiful. I think to myself how lucky she is to look so good. And don't all pretty girls have it made? Sigh. I know that's not true, but like I said, my thinking gets distorted. I wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror?

So, how to figure this problem out? Maybe the first thing to do is to stop weighing myself. I have heard of people who do this, and go by how their clothes fit them. Some only track their weight at the doctor's office. It's scary to contemplate not stepping on the scale. I mean, will I end up at 300 pounds? I sure hope not. I've got to break this obsession, though.
I can try choosing better foods for most of my eating, and concentrating on being healthy instead of weight loss. I already know what those foods are: vegetables, fruits, leaner meats, fish and whole grains. Sounds good on paper :)


Next, would be some portion control. I like to eat until I feel overfull. It gives me a feeling of comfort. However, this is not the healthiest plan in the world. So, maybe a slightly smaller plate than I'm used to; or, one with compartments.And no going back for seconds. Yeesh. OK, maybe a little scary now.


Then: drink more water. That shouldn't be too bad. I love water! I already know it's good to cut out soda, juices and coffee, for empty calories and caffeine. I'm OK with keeping milk in for cereals and such.


This is WAY different from how I've been looking at weight management. It's always been about a diet that will lose me pounds, not about how healthy I will feel. Giving up the scale is a frightening, because how will I know where I am?

Here's the big secret. Last time I weighed myself I was 170 pounds. There. I'm a whale, right? I've been as high as probably 225 pounds in the last 5 years. No one ever gets to know my weight, NO ONE. What does the number 170 have to with who I am? Nothing, really, it's just a number. One that I refuse to identify myself with anymore. So, goodbye, scale.

It helps for me to think of how God sees our bodies: that we are temples he created and that we should care for ourselves as such.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Maybe what's happening to me on the inside is where my main interest should be. For isn't that who I really am? What difference would it make if I was the most beautiful woman in the world on the outside, if I were the ugliest on the inside? Ultimately, I want to shine from within.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400