NUMBERS

I HATE THE SCALE.

The numbers I see when I weigh myself have the power to buoy me up or bring me down. 

I love food. And I hate food. I like to eat. No, I LOVE to eat. There isn't a time I can remember when food wasn't about the most important thing in my life. Or a time that I haven't judged myself by what I see on the scale.

Why do we get so attached to what our weight is? That's a good question. I still secretly hope that I will get back to my high school weight. Of course, never mind that I starved myself, smoked and drank. I was THIN. Even then I was never satisfied with the numbers. I thought I was fat, and I weighed 115 pounds.

It seems like I have always had a distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, every flaw is magnified. I see my belly and thighs, and judge them to be of gargantuan size. Everything on me is "too big", my nose, my feet, my hands, and my frame. I so want to be pretty and petite, dainty and girlie.

Christie Brinkley

This gorgeous model is my idea of beautiful. I think to myself how lucky she is to look so good. And don't all pretty girls have it made? Sigh. I know that's not true, but like I said, my thinking gets distorted. I wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror?

So, how to figure this problem out? Maybe the first thing to do is to stop weighing myself. I have heard of people who do this, and go by how their clothes fit them. Some only track their weight at the doctor's office. It's scary to contemplate not stepping on the scale. I mean, will I end up at 300 pounds? I sure hope not. I've got to break this obsession, though.
I can try choosing better foods for most of my eating, and concentrating on being healthy instead of weight loss. I already know what those foods are: vegetables, fruits, leaner meats, fish and whole grains. Sounds good on paper :)


Next, would be some portion control. I like to eat until I feel overfull. It gives me a feeling of comfort. However, this is not the healthiest plan in the world. So, maybe a slightly smaller plate than I'm used to; or, one with compartments.And no going back for seconds. Yeesh. OK, maybe a little scary now.


Then: drink more water. That shouldn't be too bad. I love water! I already know it's good to cut out soda, juices and coffee, for empty calories and caffeine. I'm OK with keeping milk in for cereals and such.


This is WAY different from how I've been looking at weight management. It's always been about a diet that will lose me pounds, not about how healthy I will feel. Giving up the scale is a frightening, because how will I know where I am?

Here's the big secret. Last time I weighed myself I was 170 pounds. There. I'm a whale, right? I've been as high as probably 225 pounds in the last 5 years. No one ever gets to know my weight, NO ONE. What does the number 170 have to with who I am? Nothing, really, it's just a number. One that I refuse to identify myself with anymore. So, goodbye, scale.

It helps for me to think of how God sees our bodies: that we are temples he created and that we should care for ourselves as such.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Maybe what's happening to me on the inside is where my main interest should be. For isn't that who I really am? What difference would it make if I was the most beautiful woman in the world on the outside, if I were the ugliest on the inside? Ultimately, I want to shine from within.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

HOPE

 

There's always got to be hope. Without it, what is the point?

Children give me HOPE. I love to watch them play and hear them talk. In their own world, everything makes sense. Nothing daunts their spirit when they are joyful. Their purity and innocence sometimes render me speechless. A child's smile feeds my heart.

Prayer gives me HOPE. I need something outside of myself, that I can call on when I have no answers, can't see any answers, and are frustrated by answers I don't want. GOD is my refuge. I read some scripture and usually post it on Facebook. If it's a church day, I always hear something that goes straight to my soul and sets me right again. The fellowship we share is so important. When I go to bed, I listen to a daily Bible reading on my iPhone. I need hope so desperately, because, without it, I may as well be dead.

Outreach gives me HOPE. When I help someone, I am reminded that there are other people in the world struggling with issues besides me. Depression is so insular, I can be inside my head and lose perspective so easily. It feels good to practice empathy. It feels good to get the focus off of ME. I get tired of feeling sorry for myself.

My children give me HOPE. I love them so much and am so proud of the fine adults they have become. When I'm with them, I am reminded that they are the two things in my life that have given me the most joy.  I need to remember that, when I'm thinking that I have never done anything good with my life. There is nothing within my power that I wouldn't do for them.

Kristie and Kevin

Victoria and Kelly

My beautiful grandchildren give me the most HOPE of all.

Victoria

Katherine

Xavier

 

HOPE IS FOOD FOR THE SOUL.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."

Psalms 31:24     NAS 

 

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400