WORDS MATTER

How many of us have used these words to describe ourselves?

Or said the following statements?

"I'm such a dummy. Anyone can assemble a bookcase, but I can't figure it out. I should have known I wouldn't be able to do it. Another project scrapped."

"I know I've met that person before, but I can't remember their name. Idiot! They'll think I'm an airhead, so it's better to avoid them."

"I'm nothing but a big, fat pig, eating that piece of cheesecake. I might as well have another piece. I'll never be thin. I've just got to be thin, it's the only way I'll be happy."

"My relationship didn't last, and it's all my fault. No one will ever love me again. I'm sure not going to let anyone know it bothers me though, that'll show him! Big girls don't cry."

"I just got fired. I should have known better, nothing works out for me. I'll never find a another job. I'm a total loser. Guess I'll just sit around and watch TV, until something comes my way."

"I don't think the secretary likes me. I had better do extra things for her. Maybe I'll bring in doughnuts, or get coffee for her every day. I can't stand not being liked, I want everyone to like me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does it matter what words we use? It's no big deal, right?

WRONG.

Words hurt when we start to believe that they define who we are. When we blame ourselves for life's problems, we give away our power to take action.

Maybe we can replace the negative self thoughts with kinder and more positive ones. 

"I can't figure out how to put this bookcase together. I sure didn't think it would be so hard, but then I've never tried this before. I think I'll ask Joe to come over and help me. He's good at putting things together."

"Oh gee, I can't remember this person's name. Well, I can just ask her. I bet a lot of people forget names after they meet someone. I remember that I really enjoyed talking to her."

"That cheesecake looks good! I'm going to have a slice and enjoy it. I've eaten balanced meals today, and a little treat is OK. I'd like to lose more weight, but my happiness doesn't depend on what I weigh. I'm learning moderation and exercising. It's more important right now to focus on being healthy.

"I can't believe we broke up. I've been crying so much, I should really be over it, right? Maybe it was all my fault. Wait, I'm not thinking clearly. People cry when they're sad, that's natural. There were two people in this relationship. I'll call Gina, she's objective and she's been through this before. I need some perspective."

"I just got fired! Wow, this feels bad, but I bet it would for anyone.  I really didn't like the job that much, even though the pay was good. I noticed they need help at the book store down the street. It might not pay as well, but I love books and talking to customers. I don't just want to sit around, I'll go down and talk to the owner today."

"I've noticed that Janet doesn't seem too friendly to me when I stop by her desk. I could be reading something into nothing here. Maybe she is just preoccupied with her own work. It doesn't really matter if she likes me or not, that's not how I define myself. I'll be courteous and friendly like usual. If she does have a problem, it's her responsibility to tell me, not mine to guess it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

See the important differences? We are looking at the situations objectively instead of thinking that they happen because we are defective. We are taking action, instead of just coasting along, blaming ourselves. We have asked for help, instead of expecting that we should know how to handle everything on our own. Life is often messy and  problems happen for everyone.  Mistakes are a natural part of life, along with insecurities and uncertainties. We are not mistakes.

I am making a commitment to myself today. I will not use any kind of negative, derogatory or berating self talk anymore. My recovery depends on learning balance and perspective living in an imperfect world. Life is just too short to be so darn hard on myself! 

 ~~~~~~~~~~

It also helps me to remember that God loves me just the way I am, imperfections and all. If He can do it,  so can I.

"You are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light."

Ephesians 5:8

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

GROWING PAINS

I went to church tonight and what was the sermon? All about "growing pains". How is it that God always knows just what to speak to my poor heart?

I believe God is working on fixing my broken heart. He has to start way down where I have kept all my secret hurts and expose them to His love. I've spoken in earlier posts about feeling worthless. In with that is an enormous amount of shame. It's not easy to air them out. I grieve for how those feelings got there, and how I haven't yet let go of them. In an odd way, worthlessness and shame are like old, worn-out shoes. They don't fit and aren't good to walk in anymore, but I can remember a time when they were comfortable. There is still a certain sentimental attachment.

There's nothing wrong with old feelings. Everyone has them, certainly anyone who has ever been hurt emotionally in the past. Such is life. The tricky thing is to know when to throw them out. That's what I struggle with the most. I KNOW there's no point in going over and over past regrets and recriminations. In my head I do. In my heart, it's a whole different story. Part of my heart is still as tender as an innocent child's. 

That's OK too. I hope that I will keep a wondrous and open spot somewhere in my heart, where I can see the world freely and joyfully. The trouble comes in the transition between child and adult. As a child, I couldn't heal all the hurts, because I didn't have the tools. As an adult, I didn't BELIEVE I had the power within to heal. The biggest obstacle for me has been accepting the responsibility of the adult. There is a choice to be made; stay in the past and wither, or fight through the pain and flourish.

Remember that old movie, "Sybil", starring Joanne Woodward and Sally Field? Sally played a young girl, Sybil; who came to a psychiatrist, played by Woodward, because she had long unexplained gaps in her memory. It was discovered over time that she had multiple personalities, each having been created to cope with childhood abuse. In one of the most memorable scenes; Joanne has Sybil in a park sitting on a blanket.  She guides Sybil through a meditation where she reconciles herself with each personality, as she "sees" each child, and welcomes them into her complete self.

That scene is a powerful illustration of the type of healing necessary in broken hearts. Maybe if I can think of that kind of process, it will help in the journey to becoming whole.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5, NIV

I pray that I can surrender all of my hurts and struggles to God, and let Him direct me to the right path.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

Looking for spiritual guidance, or a church to call home? 

 Come see us at

Garden of Prayer Cathedral Ministries C.O.G.I.C.

 

Senior Pastor Milton E Lee; Pastor Anthony T Lee

1319 East Boulevard

Cleveland, Ohio 44106

(216) 795-4238

All are welcomed with LOVE!

GRIEF

In order to heal, we have to mourn the losses we have endured. Some people might say that we should put grief in the past and forget it. There's the problem, though. Grief can't just be put away and forgotten. It will come up time and time again until we address it.

Confronting grief that comes from childhood is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences I've had. I did no mourning when I was younger, didn't actually know I was even feeling grief, and those feelings became internalized. The drugs, alcohol, food and other substances I used over the years were not strong enough to eliminate the pain I had buried. Tears are coming to my eyes just typing these words.

I wish I could sob with abandon like a child. What a beautiful expression of emotion that is, to really let go all the sadness inside and let tears wash away all the pain. I'm afraid to let myself grieve like that, why, I don't really know.

Inside my heart right now is a tearing pain that is so hard to feel. It's like I've just lost everything in the world that has ever meant anything to me. Now the tears are streaming down my face. 

All I can say is, "God help me. I don't know what path I'm supposed to be on. Every day I feel like my feet move but I get nowhere. I know You have to tear me down to make me into the warrior You want me to be, but it sure does feel shitty. Excuse the language. I can't possibly be the one You want to do Your works, look at how weak and unsure I am. I don't understand a Being who loves me when I don't love myself. But I'll try to keep believing because I don't have anything else to hold onto anymore. Just don't give up on me."

There is no happy message today. Just raw feelings. I've run my whole life from feelings and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry, so sorry, for all the times I hurt myself because I couldn't stand the pain. So sorry for becoming a person I didn't even like just to hide what was going on inside. Sorry that I didn't pay attention to the little voice inside that was crying, "listen to me." Oh God, I am so terribly sorry.

My last prayer tonight is to my guardian angel, the Archangel Gabriel: "Please wrap me in your protecting wings and let my tender heart rest."

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

NUMBERS

I HATE THE SCALE.

The numbers I see when I weigh myself have the power to buoy me up or bring me down. 

I love food. And I hate food. I like to eat. No, I LOVE to eat. There isn't a time I can remember when food wasn't about the most important thing in my life. Or a time that I haven't judged myself by what I see on the scale.

Why do we get so attached to what our weight is? That's a good question. I still secretly hope that I will get back to my high school weight. Of course, never mind that I starved myself, smoked and drank. I was THIN. Even then I was never satisfied with the numbers. I thought I was fat, and I weighed 115 pounds.

It seems like I have always had a distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, every flaw is magnified. I see my belly and thighs, and judge them to be of gargantuan size. Everything on me is "too big", my nose, my feet, my hands, and my frame. I so want to be pretty and petite, dainty and girlie.

Christie Brinkley

This gorgeous model is my idea of beautiful. I think to myself how lucky she is to look so good. And don't all pretty girls have it made? Sigh. I know that's not true, but like I said, my thinking gets distorted. I wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror?

So, how to figure this problem out? Maybe the first thing to do is to stop weighing myself. I have heard of people who do this, and go by how their clothes fit them. Some only track their weight at the doctor's office. It's scary to contemplate not stepping on the scale. I mean, will I end up at 300 pounds? I sure hope not. I've got to break this obsession, though.
I can try choosing better foods for most of my eating, and concentrating on being healthy instead of weight loss. I already know what those foods are: vegetables, fruits, leaner meats, fish and whole grains. Sounds good on paper :)


Next, would be some portion control. I like to eat until I feel overfull. It gives me a feeling of comfort. However, this is not the healthiest plan in the world. So, maybe a slightly smaller plate than I'm used to; or, one with compartments.And no going back for seconds. Yeesh. OK, maybe a little scary now.


Then: drink more water. That shouldn't be too bad. I love water! I already know it's good to cut out soda, juices and coffee, for empty calories and caffeine. I'm OK with keeping milk in for cereals and such.


This is WAY different from how I've been looking at weight management. It's always been about a diet that will lose me pounds, not about how healthy I will feel. Giving up the scale is a frightening, because how will I know where I am?

Here's the big secret. Last time I weighed myself I was 170 pounds. There. I'm a whale, right? I've been as high as probably 225 pounds in the last 5 years. No one ever gets to know my weight, NO ONE. What does the number 170 have to with who I am? Nothing, really, it's just a number. One that I refuse to identify myself with anymore. So, goodbye, scale.

It helps for me to think of how God sees our bodies: that we are temples he created and that we should care for ourselves as such.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Maybe what's happening to me on the inside is where my main interest should be. For isn't that who I really am? What difference would it make if I was the most beautiful woman in the world on the outside, if I were the ugliest on the inside? Ultimately, I want to shine from within.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

HOPE

 

There's always got to be hope. Without it, what is the point?

Children give me HOPE. I love to watch them play and hear them talk. In their own world, everything makes sense. Nothing daunts their spirit when they are joyful. Their purity and innocence sometimes render me speechless. A child's smile feeds my heart.

Prayer gives me HOPE. I need something outside of myself, that I can call on when I have no answers, can't see any answers, and are frustrated by answers I don't want. GOD is my refuge. I read some scripture and usually post it on Facebook. If it's a church day, I always hear something that goes straight to my soul and sets me right again. The fellowship we share is so important. When I go to bed, I listen to a daily Bible reading on my iPhone. I need hope so desperately, because, without it, I may as well be dead.

Outreach gives me HOPE. When I help someone, I am reminded that there are other people in the world struggling with issues besides me. Depression is so insular, I can be inside my head and lose perspective so easily. It feels good to practice empathy. It feels good to get the focus off of ME. I get tired of feeling sorry for myself.

My children give me HOPE. I love them so much and am so proud of the fine adults they have become. When I'm with them, I am reminded that they are the two things in my life that have given me the most joy.  I need to remember that, when I'm thinking that I have never done anything good with my life. There is nothing within my power that I wouldn't do for them.

Kristie and Kevin

Victoria and Kelly

My beautiful grandchildren give me the most HOPE of all.

Victoria

Katherine

Xavier

 

HOPE IS FOOD FOR THE SOUL.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."

Psalms 31:24     NAS 

 

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400