GRIEF

In order to heal, we have to mourn the losses we have endured. Some people might say that we should put grief in the past and forget it. There's the problem, though. Grief can't just be put away and forgotten. It will come up time and time again until we address it.

Confronting grief that comes from childhood is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences I've had. I did no mourning when I was younger, didn't actually know I was even feeling grief, and those feelings became internalized. The drugs, alcohol, food and other substances I used over the years were not strong enough to eliminate the pain I had buried. Tears are coming to my eyes just typing these words.

I wish I could sob with abandon like a child. What a beautiful expression of emotion that is, to really let go all the sadness inside and let tears wash away all the pain. I'm afraid to let myself grieve like that, why, I don't really know.

Inside my heart right now is a tearing pain that is so hard to feel. It's like I've just lost everything in the world that has ever meant anything to me. Now the tears are streaming down my face. 

All I can say is, "God help me. I don't know what path I'm supposed to be on. Every day I feel like my feet move but I get nowhere. I know You have to tear me down to make me into the warrior You want me to be, but it sure does feel shitty. Excuse the language. I can't possibly be the one You want to do Your works, look at how weak and unsure I am. I don't understand a Being who loves me when I don't love myself. But I'll try to keep believing because I don't have anything else to hold onto anymore. Just don't give up on me."

There is no happy message today. Just raw feelings. I've run my whole life from feelings and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry, so sorry, for all the times I hurt myself because I couldn't stand the pain. So sorry for becoming a person I didn't even like just to hide what was going on inside. Sorry that I didn't pay attention to the little voice inside that was crying, "listen to me." Oh God, I am so terribly sorry.

My last prayer tonight is to my guardian angel, the Archangel Gabriel: "Please wrap me in your protecting wings and let my tender heart rest."

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400