I went to church tonight and what was the sermon? All about "growing pains". How is it that God always knows just what to speak to my poor heart?
I believe God is working on fixing my broken heart. He has to start way down where I have kept all my secret hurts and expose them to His love. I've spoken in earlier posts about feeling worthless. In with that is an enormous amount of shame. It's not easy to air them out. I grieve for how those feelings got there, and how I haven't yet let go of them. In an odd way, worthlessness and shame are like old, worn-out shoes. They don't fit and aren't good to walk in anymore, but I can remember a time when they were comfortable. There is still a certain sentimental attachment.
There's nothing wrong with old feelings. Everyone has them, certainly anyone who
has ever been hurt emotionally in the past. Such is life. The tricky
thing is to know when to throw them out. That's what I struggle with the
most. I KNOW there's no point in going over and over past regrets and
recriminations. In my head I do. In my heart, it's a whole different
story. Part of my heart is still as tender as an innocent child's.
That's OK too. I hope that I will keep a wondrous and open spot
somewhere in my heart, where I can see the world freely and joyfully.
The trouble comes in the transition between child and adult. As a child,
I couldn't heal all the hurts, because I didn't have the tools. As an
adult, I didn't BELIEVE I had the power within to heal. The biggest
obstacle for me has been accepting the responsibility of the adult.
There is a choice to be made; stay in the past and wither, or fight
through the pain and flourish.
Remember that old movie, "Sybil", starring Joanne Woodward and Sally Field? Sally played a young girl, Sybil; who came to a psychiatrist, played by Woodward, because she had long unexplained gaps in her memory. It was discovered over time that she had multiple personalities, each having been created to cope with childhood abuse. In one of the most memorable scenes; Joanne has Sybil in a park sitting on a blanket. She guides Sybil through a meditation where she reconciles herself with each personality, as she "sees" each child, and welcomes them into her complete self.
That scene is a powerful illustration of the type of healing necessary in broken hearts. Maybe if I can think of that kind of process, it will help in the journey to becoming whole.
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
1 Peter 5, NIV
I pray that I can surrender all of my hurts and struggles to God, and let Him direct me to the right path.
For more information on depressive illnesses:
University Hospitals
Mood Disorders Program
10524 Euclid Ave
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 844-2400
Looking for spiritual guidance, or a church to call home?
Come see us at
Garden of Prayer Cathedral Ministries C.O.G.I.C.
Senior Pastor Milton E Lee; Pastor Anthony T Lee
1319 East Boulevard
Cleveland, Ohio 44106
(216) 795-4238
All are welcomed with LOVE!
