Today I've been struggling. I feel all out of sync and unable to find a clear direction. Sometimes, things happen this way with this bipolar disorder.
It's hard to get out of bed. I'm thinking "What for?". So, I play on my iPhone for a while to pass the time. This makes me feel like I'm doing something because my hands are moving. Then, I go to the computer. A look at my emails tells me I have way too many that need to be deleted. I don't want to do that. Time to go to social sites. What can I post that won't sound too negative or depressed? Ummmmm, nothing right now. I'm so behind in responses on one site. My brain hurts. So, on to the ad site I work on. I still haven't got an answer for why the amount I got paid and what I earned are different. Sigh. I don't want to deal with this, just give me the answer I want, please. I have to make some phone calls but that definitely isn't happening. Ah, Facebook games! More time passes while I keep my hands busy and my mind wanders over what I should do today. Aha! I haven't read my daily scripture...I should have done that first. These are the times I feel like God and I aren't on the same wavelength. Well, I believe it's me who is off. More than believe, I know it! There are no magic answers that jump out of the pages today. Boy, would I love to have some magic. Sigh. What about these promotional offers I've been completing for cash? Hmmmm, gonna have to stay on top of these so I don't get billed past the trial period. Too much to think about. What now?
Now it's time to get something to eat. I'm supposed to be fasting for Lent, but that is out of my grasp right today. Okay, what to have? A banana is good, not too much and healthy. Ah, my mom made her traditional potica (nut roll) for Easter. That doesn't go along with my food plan, but what the heck, I'll just have one slice. Oh man, all I want to do is eat, eat, eat. Gives me something to do with my hands and puts off any decision making. I'd really like to eat the whole nut roll, but that sure wouldn't look good. Damn. What I really want is some fast food, the greasiest and saltiest I can get. I have no desire to fix myself a decent meal and now I've blown the fast. What to do, what to do?
Time for me to sit on the couch for awhile and watch TV. My ever-present iPhone is with me. My sister is cleaning and getting together ingredients for dinner. I don't really care. Not planning to participate. I spend more time playing games on my phone while the TV drones on. I don't want to sit here all day because it looks like I have nothing productive to do. Now that I'm living with family instead of being on my own, appearances make a difference to me. Back upstairs to my room. Now I'm looking at the same things I was before that I still don't want to do. Wait, I haven't showered yet! Normal people do that, right? And yes, after I shower, I discover it is dinner time. Another chance to eat...thank God. I just want to stuff myself so that I can ignore how useless I feel today. I fill up my plate, being careful not to take too much. Don't want anyone to notice that I'm having a problem today. Of course, I eat food that's not on my plan. The prime-time TV shows are on, so I can safely watch without looking like I'm loafing. That ought to take me up until bedtime, when I can get up to my room again. Yeah, I eat one more slice of potica. My sister's asleep on the couch, so she won't see me have another piece.
Let's look back at the day: I've successfully put off taking any action on anything and managed to fill the day by doing essentially nothing. I do feel full of nervous energy so I do more stuff on the computer. It's getting into the early morning hours, when I seem to be most inspired. Thought about going to bed sooner, but didn't. Can I just do ONE productive thing today??
That's how I came to writing a new post for the blog. It's 3:00 am and sleep is about the last thing I want to do. I'm making myself turn out the lights and go to bed. Lord, put something positive into my head.
For more information on depressive illnesses:
University Hospitals
Mood Disorders Program
10524 Euclid Ave
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 844-2400
