FACADES

I have always felt that I should keep how I really feel hidden at all costs.

I developed many facades. I could manage them better when I was younger and had more energy.  Appearances have gotten much too heavy a burden to lug around any longer.

Jokey Face. That is how I tried to hide my low self esteem. When I felt especially threatened, I would make deprecating jokes about myself. I figured why not get all my horrendous faults out into the open and laughed at, it was going to happen eventually.

Smiley Face. I used that to cover any sadness I felt. No way would I cry in front of you, no way. The bonus was that my friends would then ask me if I was OK, because the grief was still in my eyes, and didn't match the smile.  I secretly craved the attention so, win/win, right?

Crying Face. Wait, I just said I wasn't crying in front of anybody.  That's only if I felt sadness. If I felt angry, I cried to mask that. I was so desperate to keep the peace that I would avoid conflict like the plague. Tears stopped the argument and got me sympathy. Crying was easy when I was angry, not when I was sad. Remember, I felt had to keep my real feelings hidden.

Indifferent Face. Ah, a personal favorite. This mask was good for hiding vulnerability. The more hurt I felt, the more uncaring I tried to appear. God knows, I wasn't going to let you know.

Life-Of-The-Party Face.  When I felt desperately unhappy inside, I used this face. It was easier when I was still drinking, because I could blend in with the general revelry. In the later years I had so many blackouts, I don't remember how I felt.

Angry Face. Yes, this is the one I've had pretty much the last five years or so. Too hard to hide my feelings, and mad all the time. I owe my former coworkers many, many apologies for being so hard to work with. My family and friends, too. OK, everybody I came into contact with.

So, what's the point here?

Wearing all those masks was extremely tiring and time consuming, although I wouldn't have said so before. For those of us who are depressed, hiding our feelings keeps us in our illnesses. Yes, it takes work to get down deep where real emotions are. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts sometimes. I wouldn't trade being present in the moment, and knowing how I feel, for even one of those masks anymore.

Today, I feel alive. I'm no longer numb on the inside. I can say how I really feel and the world still spins. I feel very blessed and grateful (well, most of the time). To anyone who is struggling with feelings and masks out there I would say:

Hang in there with yourself, you are worth all the effort it takes to get well. It took me years and years to realize that I had to become my own best friend. Please don't give up. You are among friends, and you are loved.

"When life's journey gets so difficult

That it feels too much to bear,

Just remember, we don't walk alone--

Our almighty God is there" -- Sper

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400